Damn Your Love, Damn Your Lies

Is it possible to feel so unbelievably lost in this world? I feel like my 23 years on this earth have been wasted on petty and frivolous things, like I am a mirror image of nothing. I feel as though I haven't given enough of myself to ever become a great success, as I look at other people who are my age and see all that they have accomplished and I wonder if I will ever measure up.

Sometimes its more of a question of "am I good enough"? Unfortunately I have taken a close look at the people I have chosen to surround myself with and I realize that each of them possess an obvious selfish characteristic that I often ignore. In an attempt at trying to be enlightening, my roommate confessed to me that she was sick of "our" life, that it wasn't good enough for her. She used the catch phrase "no offense" like that is supposed to act as a buffer to prevent me from taking offense to obviously offending comments. She admitted she wasn't a very good friend, which I would have to agree with. It seems that she is so self absorbed sometimes, its nauseating...oh yeah...no offense. She keeps close acquaintances as friends who are more there to reassure her than anything. She will actually ask you for compliments, and tell you what to say if the ones you come up with don't meet or exceed her expectations. "Tell me how skinny I am in these pants" "tell me that he misses me too" "tell me that I am prettier than her". Lie to you? You do look skinny in those pants, he doesn't miss you at all and she is just as pretty as you are...sorry. Then she gets mad because I never tell her what she wants to hear, I will never lie to her. I promise that I will stop talking about my roommate right now.

This is an attempt at self pity, merely just venting to the world about how this girl feels. So unsure about absolutely everything around her. Oh. Except for my mother. I love my mother dearly. This woman has struggled and suffered, if only for our betterment. I admire her. Its so funny, I used to DESPISE her. The majority of her parenting tactics are insufferable, absolutely frustratingly torturous! But I am a better person for ever hoop she made me jump through. Its funny how perspectives changed. Suddenly I find myself almost begging to return to the days where my mother was the sole bane of my existence, the only thorn in my side, the three headed dragon of my problems. Those were much simpler times. Now I find myself running to her for almost everything, her three heads have been replaced with halo's, the bane of my existence is now the center of knowledge, advice and wisdom.

It seems there is always a boy to blame. haha. I mean I am conscious of my own choices, but COME ON! I find myself frustrated with him to the point of confusion. I will never be one of those girls who calls you all the time, who needs to be in constant communication. I look at the other females in my life and I've learned from watching them deal with break ups and relationships that there are certain things that you just DON'T do. I pride myself on my ability to not complicate the situation, to see it for what it is (no matter how fast the wheels in my brain are turning completely out of control, and smoking). Here I thought I picked a decent representation of the opposite sex, that he would at least be HONEST, KIND and REAL. Suddenly I realize that this ritualistic weekend dance that we do is merely an overrepresented gong show! I don't really know how I went from being the object of his affection, to that girl he calls at 230am when he's loaded. I really don't understand when that switch was made. I kinda feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me three months ago and I, just now, have come to realize that its missing. It seems that while my wheels were turning and my mouth remained shut and my cell phone remained closed - I managed to create and illusion. I have been lying to myself because for 10 hours a week I feel like I am appreciated or cared for. Wrong again. Miserably wrong again. I wished I had his ignorance, I wish I could be narcissistic as he is. I wish I could put on such an illusive show, be such a great con, such an impeccable liar as he is. I wish that I didn't care about how anyone else felt, oh to be so selfish...but I am not any of those things.

I am one of those people who likes to fix things. I like to help people, take care of them. He obviously figured this out and realizes that he can use it to his advantage. He knows that I will lick his wounds for him and take care of him and I think part of him really enjoys this aspect. We also share a lot of interests, which apparently has little bearing on the actual situation. We are too much alike, but so far from being the same. So, I think its time to say good-bye, in silence.

So I will sit here in my little corner of the inter web and vent to nothing but computers about how I feel about a certain person. I was willing to be what you needed, but I won't do that at this cost. It has almost been a year since this tryst began and I refuse to see it last any longer. You went away and came back and seem to be detaching yourself again, and I highly doubt this has anything to do with me. I haven't done anything to warrant this kind of treatment. No, this isn't a "poor me" blog - I am being realistic. I know I did nothing wrong. I won't compromise my being anymore for you. You have taken more than you deserve and offer nothing in return. If this was a business relationship, I would've noticed that the rug was missing the moment that you took it. I wish you the best, because the universe works in mysterious ways and I don't need ill will on my conscience for no reason. It stings a little, I am not going to lie. My heart is hurt but it is not broken. I learned a lot about myself really. Basically that my mind will allow me to be a door mat, if I can trick myself into seeing good in someone even for a second. I realize I need to be more cautious of my feelings and more aware of my behaviours. I need to be stricter with my self worth and harness my power as a beautiful, talented and amazing female who has a lot to offer (not that I currently believe any of that to be true, but I figured if I write it down, I might one day). You were never there when I needed you, never there when it wasn't convenient for you, never there when it mattered, never there ever really. Until that fateful day when you do call (and you will I am sure) I must channel what little energy I have left and fight you off. DO NOT answer the phone, DO NOT humour you with a response to your texts messages. For now my CD player will remain on repeat of "Never Break The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac - 'if you don't love me now, you wont ever love me again - I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain.'