So the other day I was flipping through the channels, you know..bored out of my skull and living vicariously through the bright colours and broken premises created by a television. Amidst my frantic flipping, I came across a program dedicated to dispelling the wild myths surrounding the Grizzly bear. The subject of their experiment was the Alaskan Grizzly, notoriously the most dangerous mainly because they have not been confronted with the harsh realities of the industrialized world and they roam free across the vast Alaskan mountains never really running the risk of bumping into humans.
The researchers were trying to determine if the six grizzly-related deaths in a certain state park were the result of humans startling the bears and the bears...being...well, bears... turning and attacking to defend their territory OR if the bears were actually hunting the humans as a possible source of food. The evidence they presented for either argument was the mere fact that of the six dead, four of the bodies had been partially consumed, leading to the conclusion that the bears considered them food all along. And of course the two of the six that were merely "slightly maimed" were the result of the bears exercising their rights to protect their territories from "threatening predators".
The thing I found the most hilariously entertaining was how they went about conducting the experiments. Picture this. A grown man (our researcher) locked in a 6ft by 4ft plexiglass "predator" box. Latched at the top with about 6-10 holes in the sides and top for ventilation purposes. Before our brave researcher, and narrator, locks himself in this predator shield, he lays out a variety of food on chopped wood in front of him to see which foods would be more attractive to the Grizzlies. There are 6 things to choose from - Log # 1 contains large oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies, Log #2 contains 3 Costco size honey-nut muffins, Log #3 contains 2 Red Delicious Apples, Log #4 contains one whole salmon, Log #5 contains 3 hot dog wieners and Log #6 A generous helping of trail mix.
It takes about an hour for a Grizzly to appear. He is a large male, he saunters slowly towards the logs and our researcher. He looks as though he had just woken up for some kind of nap, seemingly unfazed by the 200lbs of human being $0.50 metal latches and 1/4" of plexiglass. When he reaches the food selection he bee-lines for the salmon, as he bends his head forward to bite into the salmon, he notices the hot dog wieners, looks back and the salmon and sits down. He then notices that there is an entire buffet set out for him. He is completely ignorning the human and the camera at this point, with a look on his face like "well hollly shiiit...food...". He sits back and carefully collects his thoughts, eventually deciding to go for the hot dog wieners. Watching a grizzly trying to manipulate a hot dog wiener in his GIANT paws is much like watching an elephant trying to peel a banana. Eventually he manages to get the hot dog wieners in his mouth and sticks his nose in the air and makes two "uhn, uhn" noises and two females come barreling down the hill towards the feast.
The first of the females sees the fish and runs for it. In one sweeping motion she snatches the fish off the log and runs just as quickly into the dense Alaskan brush. The male bear, still sitting on his rear, swings his head casually to the side and looks in her direction almost as if to mutter under his breath.."bitch."
The second female is patient. While the first female was quick, the second female has taken the time to realize that she has options and is calculating carefully which log she will feast on. She makes a slow movement towards the muffins. The male pushes her back. Seemingly unfazed, she tries again to head for the muffins, the male actually pushes her so hard she is forced the the ground behind him. Still sitting, the male wiggles his bum around so his back is to her, but so that he is blocking her access to the logs containing, the cookies, the muffins and the apples. Left with only the trail mix, she growls as if to say "what the hell is your problem!?". The male leans forward and frantically gobbles up the cookies. She protests even further, "umm...what about me?" The male leans down and samples some of the muffin and some of the apple. It is obvious that he decides that his best option is the muffin and as he leans in to enjoy his honey-nut treat, he casually flicks back one of the apples in her direction..."you can have this one AND the trail mix." The female sits down in defeat, smells the trail mix and munches on the apple...ultimately giving in to his whims. No fighting. Not one word...except maybe a silent sigh and a rolling of her eyes...as she mutters under her breath.."Jerk."
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