Okay. So this is my first attempt at blogging. I keep a journal, but what better way than to keep an online journal? A personal account of the hilarity's I experience on a daily basis, personally documented, just between me and the Internet.
If the land of 'unhealthy' relationships needed representation, I am pretty sure I'd be their Queen. I wouldn't even need schooling or training. I knew it was bad when I was expressing unrest about a certain man in my life we will call...mmm..."Jem" to my mother the other day, without even mentioning his name. She met my unrest with laughter and that know it all attitude that mothers have come to earn over the course of their lives. "Upset about Jem are we?" to which I replied in almost shock, "yeah, how did you know?" She chuckled to herself again and said "because you always like the ones that are bad for you" hunh. RED FLAG!
So why do I like this boy? Obviously my mother's intuition is based in some fact and as I am begging to move forward I feel like I am stuck in an emotional rut. Like I was out off roading and some big mud puddle caught my attention, I gear down and drive violently for the puddle. I am excited, anxious and curious. I hit the puddle, mud flies everywhere but the truck is stuck. fuck. I try as hard as I can to get "un-stuck" reverse, drive, reverse. Until finally I realize my 33" tires are no match for the ruts that obviously require 46" super swampers...awesome. I've gone an driven head first into a murky absolute without doing any prior research...story of my life.
The physical attraction is unparalleled. The characteristics he displays reminds me of this journal entry I made after I got my heart stomped on the first time. I admire his ability to fix things, build things and the fact that he is, above all else, a belching, farting, beer drinking, football watching, prideful man. For some odd reason, these characteristics appeal greatly to me. He approaches everything in life with this ignorance that is so arrogant its attractive. Nothing in his life is unachievable, nothing is insurmountable, his standards for his life and the goals he has set are totally do-able in his minds eye. I admire the simplicity of his character, it leaves little room for error or mis-understanding. Jem is, by all accounts, the perfect example of a stereotypical man and I love everything about it.
Unfortunately for Jem, he approaches love with the same ignorance. Maybe its his child-like innocence when discussing relationships that makes the 'mother bone' in me twitch in endless pleasure. Something about his innocence makes me want to protect him, guide him and take care of him. Any second I get the sense that he is going to hand me a note at recess with the question "will you go out with me? Check one; Yes. No. Maybe." At 23 years old, my heart will flutter like a catholic school girl who's just be shown a naked man for the first time.
Okay, so there was a reason for the Catholic school girl analogy. Jem, is religious. I have no problem with organized religion. I was never raised to follow the 'word of God/Jehovah/Jesus' I have never even attended church for mass. I was never baptised. Jem is completely aware of this. And thus is the stake that keeps us apart.
I am going to walk a very fine line here and I am going to choose my words very carefully. Fact of the matter is, I will never be pure as the driven snow. Nope, I lost my purity some hazy February afternoon to a man I thought I would love forever. If I could go back and slap my 16 year old self, I most certainly would. Armed with the information I know now. This man doesn't love you, this "man" haha...this "BOY"! I can't change the past.
So for Jem I feel like I am this silhouette of sin, something standing at the back of a smokey bar. Every now and then the fluorescent strobe lights catches a glimpse of my tail or the glimmer of my horns (I left my tri-fork in the car) and he's entranced. Something so easily attainable, yet so unbelievably forbidden its enchanting. Slowly I make my way ac cross the room, step by step. He begins to perspire and he begins to salivate as he throws caution to the wind and puts "religion" out of his mind for an hour. He knows he will suffer later, sort of comparable to doing cocaine recreationally. You know you probably shouldn't touch it, but what's one line or nine in the scheme of things. You know you will pay for it later, as you lay in bed at noon having not slept at all since the night before, questioning everything in your life with anxiety and paranoia - why did you do this? Guilt will inevitably follow, your mother's voice inside your head "now you've done it, now you've gone too far".
There is no doubt in my mind that I am merely a pleasant distraction for Jem. Something to take his mind off of his life for a little while. He knows he has to go back to his life soon, but he doesn't need to think about that as he is lost in this forbidden amusement park, overloading his senses with this simple rush. He will struggle with this later, he will fight these thoughts soon and he knows it. He will forever be caught between what he's been taught is "right" and what he "wants". Family guy put it best (to the tune of 'if you're happy and you know it) If you're happy and you know it, that's a sin - If you're happy and you know it that's a sin.
I remain caught in his little web of confusion. Back to my muddy rut. Throw her into to drive and feel the tires spin under me, I am moving, but unfortunately its merely the tires digging deeper and deeper into the mud on the puddle's floor. Until then, my phone will ring at 2am and it will be Jem drunk or nearly drunk...drunk...already committing one sin...why not phone her and make it birdie? Throw it in reverse, sink, sink, sink...soon I will realize that my attempts at freeing my truck are pointless, eventually I will bring myself to change my current situation. So until the day comes when I am so depressed by my efforts that I actually decide to get out of my truck and call to be pulled out of my muddy existence...I remain stuck, with all my wheels spinning yet going no where fast.
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